Taking Matters Into My Own Hands


Breaking news! This blog post was recently featured on She Writes. Click here to read the same thing there.

Before I became a writer (or a wife or a mother), I was a ballet dancer. I danced in Europe for most of my career—in Iceland, Italy, Germany, and Austria. For nearly six years I stitched together gigs here and there, which required a mix of talent, timing, and connections. I thought I’d finally cracked the code when I landed three great jobs that would keep me employed for the next year.

But then, all in the same week, the three companies contacted me again. I sat on the couch with a letter from Austria, a fax from Germany, and a telegram in Italian—all informing me of the same news: they were rescinding the job offers. None of the companies was willing to file the paperwork to extend my EU visa. It had nothing to do my dancing.

This is the scene that came to mind this summer when I read email after email from the agents, editors, and publishers I’d come to know in the six years since I started writing the memoir about my identical twins boys who’d been born three and a half months premature.

“The writing is lovely,” they all said in one form or another. “But we don’t know how to market your book” (which, I realized, is code for “we don’t know who will read this.”) The emails wished me luck and sometimes even said that mine was a story that deserved to be told (after, of course, informing me that they would not be the ones helping me tell it.)

I had a choice. I could continue to fish for agents. I could send out a hundred queries to find the one agent willing to go to bat for me and hope that she would have the same persistence looking for editors and publishers.

Or I could take things into my own hands.

I didn’t have to go back to America all those years ago. I could have stayed in Italy and appealed the decisions. But I didn’t want to spend months writing letters in languages I didn’t quite know, filing papers and calling offices when I could just go back home and dance.

That’s how I feel about my memoir. These last six years I’ve learned a lot about writing and the publishing industry. I’ve learned a lot about building a writing community. I even helped found a nonprofit writing group for moms. Three years ago, we self-published an anthology of our essays. When I realized that I knew who to contact to edit my work, who could design the book cover, and who would be my publicist, the decision to publish my book myself was as easy as boarding the next plane for home.

Which brings us back to me crying on the couch with three rejection letters. The week after I flew home from Italy, I was offered a job dancing with a ballet company in San Francisco. Shortly after that, I met my future husband. The friend who introduced us is now godmother to my daughter.

I still wonder what might have happened if I’d tried to keep dancing abroad, just as I might always wonder what would have happened if I kept querying agents. But I also know that leaving when I did helped set the stage (no pun intended) for future accomplishments—a college degree, a family, a new career as a writer.

Sometimes it’s up to you to shape your own destiny. And when you recognize that the time is right, it’s up to you to make it happen.



10 thoughts on “Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

  1. Phoebe Bode

    You are my hero. You give me courage to be bold and daring and to make a decision to contact people I’d rather avoid, to do things I’d rather not do. You brought many an enchanting evening to audiences who were enthralled by your grace, beauty, and talent on stage. You teach confidence to dreamers every week as you teach them to dance. You inspire your children to achieve, to be compassionate and have fun in the process. You have delighted many more with actual books-in-hand reality. Everyone has a story, but not everyone is like you–a great storyteller.

    • You are the fastest typer I know, Mom! Thank you for the support. I could’t do any of it without you as my role model.

    • Thank you, Joanne. Your thoughtful edits and unwavering support is a big reason that I have the confidence to self-publish in the first place!

  2. Mary Jo

    I loved reading this story and learning more about you and your journey. I really look forward to buying and reading your book, too!

  3. Laurel Hilton

    J – This is exquisite! I am forever inspired by your writing, and your ability to visualize success. Thank you so much for sharing this story. Everything in it rings so true, make your destiny! You are amazing! Keep going!

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