SUBJECT: off the grid
But no email.
Will get back to you after October 31st.
SUBJECT: HAPPY HALLOWEEN WEEK
I will have limited access to email from October 15 to October 31st.
If this is an emergency, please text my assistant, Sam Sung at [YOUR NUMBER].*
Have a great break!
* Yes, even my own real-life vacation responders have recycled jokes in them.
I’ll be honest. When I started this little monthly project, I totally underestimated how hard it would be to write a new vacation responder every day. I also underestimated how quickly the novelty would wear off (and I’m just talking about me, not my audience). But I’m committed to writing a post a day even if I have to play catch up now. Even if I have to recycle real live vacation responders from my own inbox. NaNoWriMo is coming up in a few days and if I can’t write 200 words a day, how am I gonna write a novel next month?
So here goes. The first of several recycled vacation responders.
SUBJECT: Holed Up Under a Rock and Writing
Dearest Kind Friend Whose Email I Can’t Wait To Read Upon My Return,
I’m away writing a book. Or playing solitaire because my book has no narrative arc. Maybe eating chocolate which is more fun than writing narrative arcs. Quite possibly drinking out of flask somewhere until inspiration fits. Writing again because what else do you do when the chocolate and booze are gone?
But not reading email until October 31, 2015.
If this is an emergency, you know the drill: you can text my assistant, Sam Sung at [YOUR NUMBER].
* It’s probably better if you write your own witty closing instead of using mine, which, let’s face, has become pretty stale over the last five years.
What’s really important in a vacation responder? Letting people know that you are willfully ignoring them until you are good and ready to look at your inbox. Why? Nobody’s business but your own. That’s right! You don’t even have to give a valid reason.
SUBJECT: ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
Hello. I have been abducted by aliens and will not be answering email during this time.
P.S. Don’t worry, Mom. It’s nothing as crass as that probe (which is sooooo 80’s alien abduction, btw).
The perfect complement to yesterday’s lazy responder, Vacation Responder TMI accentuates in excruciatingly vivid detail why you are otherwise indisposed and cannot answer email right away. Perfect venue for a little self-pity.
SUBJECT: OUT OF OFFICE TO TAKE CARE OF MEDIUM-LARGE NECK BOIL
Thank you for your email, but I will be out of the office for the next two weeks, nursing a small flesh wound that will remain after I get my boil lanced on Oct 7. Hopefully it’ll be a quicker recovery than last time. As some of you might remember, that thing oozed and festered for weeks. I still have mecuricome on several of my blouses.
Wish me luck! The doctor says that the pus that is gathering on the sides of the boil isn’t too bad; he’s seen worse. He’s confident that it’ll be put to rest after just a couple quick jabs.
Can’t be worse than this, right? http://www.break.com/topics/cysts-and-boils-being-popped-cysts-and-boils-being-popped-the-gross-ones/
As always, if this is an emergency, contact [PERSON UPON WHOM WILL GET YOUR WORKLOAD] and if it’s a boil emergency, see my doctor, ha, ha!